Anyone But Me

Anyone But Me

There she was. She looked amazing in the pink floral print sundress, her long dark hair plaited neatly down her back, the sun casting a nice warm glow on smoothly tanned skin. I knew when I bought the dress it would look great on me. But that wasn’t me, not any more. I looked across the room and saw the other girl. She was at least fifty pounds overweight, dressed in a over-sized t-shirt and a pair of worn jeans. Her dirty blonde hair was pulled back into a messy pony tail and she was frowning causing deep furrows across her brow. It was a girl I had looked at with disgust fairly often over the past few years, I even made a point of pointing out her every flaw to those who would listen and laugh about it with me. I absolutely detested that woman with every fiber in my being and now I was trapped in her body.
I’ve been this way for two weeks now. After a harrowing day at work I had gone to bed saying “I wish I’d wake up and be anyone but me.” When I woke the next morning, I was no longer Brittany, the Administrative Assistant to the President of the company; instead, I was Rachel, the fat girl who worked in the tech department and smelled like peanut-butter fudge and cigarettes. I should have been more specific with my wish.
Rachel lived in an apartment building that was constructed in the 1960’s, her furniture was all things you would find in garage sales, just like her very unfashionable wardrobe. Every night since the swap, I get a call from a very drunk man named “Paul”, professing his love for me and apologizing profusely for running around on me. In the mornings, a very sober Paul calls to tell me to quit calling him. I eventually put the pieces together and figured out that Paul is the handsome Loan Officer I’ve often heard in the office bragging about the women he has slept with. Paul is a piece of trash. Rachel could do so much better, she’s actually quite pretty under all those extra pounds and lack of self-esteem. I have decided to help her, but I keep craving sugar and fast food no matter how hard I try to stick to a diet of salads and low-calorie foods. I continue the weird craving for cigarettes even though I have tossed out all the ashtrays and cleaned the dingy apartment from top to bottom. I try to go walking in the evenings, but this body tires easily and it’s harder to move it like I did with my old body. Yesterday a car of young teens drove by and shouted out fat jokes as I made my way down the block. I admit I cried when I heard it, I’ve never had anyone do that to me before.
I don’t know how long this is going to go on. I miss Brittany. I don’t like the way people look at me with judging eyes, they don’t know me! I hate the way I’m out of breath from climbing a set of stairs, I hate the way my hair always looks a mess, and I really despise the fact that I really want Rachel to like me.

The Center of Things

The Center of Things

Revenge. That’s what is on my mind as I sit in a shuttle moving at a rapid speed along the tracks that would lead me to Final Stop, a facility designed to take place of death row. Instead of taking a dirt nap, prisoners were taken deep into the center of the earth. Gone were the days of appeals and second chances, once a jury declared a guilty verdict, it was all over. I don’t even get the luxury of looking out the window. The shuttles are encased in some kind of super-metal, stronger than titanium and forty-eight inches thick. Not that it would matter, all I would be able to see is the cold steel structure of the tunnel I’m traveling through. Instead, I stare at the back of the girl in front of me, Prisoner 98745622, the black numbers emphasized against the bright yellow jumpsuit. She’s crying loudly and keeps tugging at her tangled blonde hair, mumbling something about injustice. I feel the same way, but I don’t let the others see me cry and I don’t voice my own opinions about our system of justice. I suspect the weeping sops are the first to go down at Final Stop, I need to prove myself right away if I hope to survive. No one has ever come back. I will be the first. I have to find the doppelganger who took my life from me. I flex my fingers, thinking about that day that changed my life. I was there when the bank was attacked, standing in line to make a credit withdrawal. I was lying on the floor with the rest of the customers when my twin walked in and shot the President in the head. They caught it all on film and when they were interviewing all of us, they assumed I was playing a trick on all of them. The trial was over in under an hour. In a matter of three months, I went from living the dreams of a hopeful college student to wearing a jumpsuit as bright as a lemon and hurtling towards a condemned life working in the diamond mines. I won’t waste time thinking about the unfairness of it all, I have to find a way to escape this alternative to a death sentence. The man next to me grunts and kicks the back of the chair making Prisoner 98745622 jump and hiccup and start sobbing louder. I look over at him, meeting his hard stare with one of my own, daring him to say something. He nods and breaks eye contact. Message received. The wheels of the shuttle start screeching as the brakes are applied and we all lurch forward. A guard at the front stands up and waves his rifle as he turns to face us with a sneer. “Welcome to Final Stop, I will be your tour guide”, he is laughing now at his own pathetic joke. I meet his gaze and a smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. I will make a special effort to find him and make him stop laughing.

Gatorade Mike

Gatorade Mike

Gatorade Mike batted away the offending bottle of green liquid perched on the rain of his porch.  The joke had been funny in the beginning.  He would walk outside and find a bottle of Gatorade perched on the hood of his car, checking the mail he would find another bottle hidden inside the metal box – the mailman stuffing his mail around it as if it belonged there.   At work he would walk away from his desk to go to the copier or run to the break room for more coffee, upon his return there would be another bottle of the green Gatorade sitting there.  Mike took it all with a grin and rolling of his wide brown eyes for the first week.  The second week he began to dread seeing the bottles.  He was running out of room in his refrigerator and the humor in the joke had faded.   By the third week, the dread had turned to irritation and he began stashing the bottles in the trunk of his Nissan.  Now, four weeks in, the sight of the bottles actually angered him.  
Mike opened up the door of his bungalow home and closed it quietly, despite the fury that was rolling inside of him.  He trudged over to his refrigerator and opened it, his eyes assaulted with over sixty bottles of the original flavored Gatorade.   His least favorite kind.   It was this green-yellow beverage that had led to great misconception that he was some sort of an amazing athlete that chugged this electrolyte enhancer on a regular basis.  The misconception meant being invited to football games, long talks in the break room about the weekly game and quoting of stats of any player that may have done something great, horrible or bone-headed.   It was about locker room talk, assumptions that ladies were flocking to his side and that any outdoor activity was something he was doing.   He had been taken on countless camping trips in the wilderness, canoe trips, white water rafting, rock climbing and of course the occasional game of baseball, football  or soccer in the lazy days of summer.   Standing six foot three with wide shoulders and taunt biceps, Mike even looked the part.
 In truth, Mike hated the stereo-type and grimaced inwardly every single time anything to do with sports was mentioned in his presence.  He hated the talk about stats and the time and energy people put into spouting off numbers like they were going to get a prize for whoever remembered the most.   Time for him was better spent getting lost in a good detective novel and puttering around in the various flower beds he had surrounding the cottage; time that was never allotted to him because of one foolish bet.
Mike picked up an empty cardboard box he had used to carry home groceries in from the Bag-It grocery store four blocks down.  With great patience, he began methodically putting the Gatorade bottles in the box, taking slow and steady breaths to calm the fire within him.   His heart began to beat normally again and he let out a pent out breath.   One box wouldn’t be enough, but it was a start.   He filled it up and pushed it to the side.   There was now room on the top shelf for the bottle of 2% milk he had stopped for on the way home.
Picking up a second box, he filled it as well, making room for the package of hamburger, the block of cheese and some bologna.   Feeling satisfied, Mike shoved the second box up against the first one and closed the refrigerator.     He leaned his bulky frame up against the orange Formica countertop and crossed his arms over his chest.   His eyes of brown stared down at the white linoleum floor as he thought about the day he took the bet.    A full two decades had passed since the rail thin thirteen-year old Mike Banks had entered that convenience store with his best friend Kyler Ross.   It was a hot summer afternoon and the gravel roads of Georgetown spat out tufts of brown dust from beneath the tires of their Huffys’.   Hardly a breath of wind passed through limp green leaves of the Cottonwoods and Aspen and dogs sat beneath the shade of the porch, tongues lolling out as they panted and ignored the boys riding past.    Kyle was complaining about being thirsty and they had come up with $1.47 between the two of them.  It was enough for two sodas at Henry’s General Store.    Once they went inside there was no relief from the heat, the two ceiling fans churned slowing doing nothing to stimulate the air.   Henry’s son Paul was working behind the counter.  He was seventeen and went to the big school in Idaho Springs. Both middle school and high school combined, it was a frightening and exciting adventure they whispered about in the dank halls of Georgetown Elementary.   Mike and Kyle would be going to the same school in the Fall.    Paul waved at them when they came in and Mike grinned.   When a high school boy waved at you that meant you were one of the cool kids.   No other customers were in the store and Paul was leaning with his butt against the back counter and spinning a pencil with this fingers.  
“What are you guys up too?”  Paul asked barely glancing at them as they headed towards the cooler.
“Riding bikes up at the pit.”  Mike said trying to sound mature.  The Pit was a ravine that had been taken over by motorcycles, the dirt paths steep and dangerous and a constant draw to every kid in town.
“No kidding?”  Paul gave him a look of admiration, “Man, you’re brave, I wouldn’t go up there, not with the mountain lion they saw there last week.”
“What mountain lion?” Kyle blurted out.
“Didn’t you hear?” Paul stopped twirling his pencil, “Carrie Panduit was walking home from school and she saw it.  Said it was carrying a rabbit or something in its mouth.  Her mom freaked out and called the Game Warden and they walked all over the place looking for it.”
“Did they find it?”  Mike asked wondering what he would do if he saw a mountain lion.  Probably run or do something dumb like that.  Mike knew his limitations and he wasn’t above giving into the instinct to flee when danger approached.
“Nah…”  Paul shrugged, “Probably holed up in some cave or something.”  He pointed at them, “I’ll bet they couldn’t find him because they were all drinking Gatorade, you know that mountain lions hate the smell of that stuff.”
“No they don’t.” Kyle said disbelieving, “We’re not stupid.”
“I’m telling you true.” Paul held up his hand in a Boy Scout salute, “They get all confused when they smell it.  Something about the chemicals they use for the flavoring.  But it has to be the original flavor, not that new orange or red stuff.”
Mike stared at him doubtfully, “No way. They would’ve told us that in school.”
“No, man, they just figured it out like a few months ago.” Paul persisted.  “I’ll bet you twenty dollars.”
“Where are we gonna get twenty bucks?” Kyle asked.
“Mow some lawns.” Paul shrugged again, his broad shoulders looking as if they would split the fabric of the white t-shirt he wore.  
Mike had a better idea.  He knew he would need an in when he went up to the high school, someone to watch over him and let the other kids know he was cool.  “Instead of $20, how about you let us ride with you instead of the school bus for the first month of school.”
“What if I’m right?  What do I get?”  Paul asked rubbing his already tousled sandy brown hair. He looked up at the ceiling for a moment and then let his eyes of green drop back down to them, “I know.”  He placed both hands on the counter and grinned, “When I win, you two will be my personal slaves for one whole month.”
Kyle gave him a dubious look, “What would we have to do?”
“Anything I tell you.”  Paul grinned again, “Carry my books, wash my car…”
“How do we prove it?”  Mike asked, “Don’t we need a witness or something?”
“Tell you what, “Paul grabbed two Cokes from the cooler and slid them across the counter, “You boys meet me at the Pit tonight at seven.  I’ll bring Sheila Miles with me. She can be our witness.”
Mike gulped as he reached for the Coke.  Shelia Miles was the hottest girl in town.  With long wavy black hair and eyes that shone like bright sapphires and smile that would dazzle even the brightest star in the night sky, Mike was totally smitten.  A chance to show off for Shelia was too good to miss, no matter how much he doubted Paul’s statements.

The Door

The Door

When I fell back against the wall in my rental house, after gracefully tripping over my own shoe lace, I thought it seemed a bit hard. Expensive wallpaper with an intricate floral design gave no hint that anything was being disguised and I laughed to myself as I ran my hands over it looking for a hidden seam that would open up a secret door.  For good measure, I rapped my knuckles against it.

The wall felt solid, a bit too substantial for drywall and studs.  I have to admit, my curiosity was piqued.  My left foot banged up against the base board and the board popped out sending out a puff of black sand across the carpeting.  I’ve never been one to just walk away from an intriguing mystery, I did what only seemed logical.  I reached down and pulled on the baseboard.  It had been secured with heavy 16d sinker nails and the odds of one coming loose were not very good.   I managed to slip a couple fingers around the loosened board and tugged.  It moved only a fraction and I pulled harder. The sound of cracking and splintering filled the room and I suddenly found myself falling hard on my butt with a broken piece of baseboard in my hand, a single sinker nail still dangling out the backside.   Laughing at myself and how ridiculous I must appear, I looked back to the wall and saw the wallpaper had torn and there was something behind it.  

You would think the first thought in my head would be that of how to hide the damage so my new landlord would not freak out.  At one time, I might have had that as a first thought, but the desire to know the mystery pushed that thought away and I crawled back over to the wall and carefully lifted the torn paper.  Whatever was there, it was metal and old.  It looked like wrought iron but not the fancy detailed stuff with whirls and loops.  It appeared to be, rusty and impenetrable and ancient in appearance. 

It was an odd thing to find in a townhouse that couldn’t be more than twenty years old.  Logic at this point was still hanging in the balance and so I started pulling away more wallpaper, enjoying the sound of the tearing and marveling at how much it was hiding.   Eventually I had to stand and kick away the piles of shredded flowery paper, my fingers stretched full trying to reach the last bits up near the ceiling.   I stepped back and surveyed my handiwork.  It was a door.   A solid wrought iron door with a single looped handle on the right side. It was flush with the rest of the wall which meant it could only open by pushing in. I pushed.  It was like pushing on the side of a freight-liner, not that I had ever done that, but it was what I imagined it would feel like. Hard, cold and unyielding.  I lunged at it, hoping my excess 280 lbs would budge it.  A dull pain exploded in my shoulder the moment I made contact and a slid to the floor clutching my arm and whimpering like a scolded puppy. 

I leaned my back up against it and tilted my head so I could peer up at the smoothed rounded loop that served as a handle.  I looked away and down at the nest of torn wallpaper I was sitting in and silently resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to explain myself and somehow come up with the money to fix the damages I had just caused.   With a grunt, I reached up for the handle with the mindset of pulling myself to my feet.  Instead of the desired effect, the handle pulled down and the door gave a screeching sound of metal upon metal as it opened up and a gust of stale dusty air whooshed past me.  I scrambled to my feet, and poked my head inside, not really sure what to expect but my heart was thundering in my chest and tingles were running down my spine. 

I did a quick spider scan around the door to ensure no sudden drop downs that would cause me to go into one of my infamous spider dances that were reminiscent of a spastic windmill, and I took my first step inside.    Sunlight from my front windows splashed through the door and covered a table laden with thick dust and an empty flower vase in the center.   I ventured further in, pulling out my smartphone and clicking on the flashlight application so that bright artificial light blanketed the room.  It was disappointingly empty.   I let out a pent up breath and turned back to the living room.  The debris from the wallpaper was gone and sitting at the kitchen table was a small man dressed like a garden gnome, impatiently drumming his fingers, and glaring at me.   “Why have you opened the Forbidden Passage?!”

I did the only thing I could think of.  I laughed.

 He did not. 

Never Stop

Never Stop

So how did I end up here in South America, standing on a dirt road with a camera crew on hand and spectators sipping on water bottles and shouting in a multitude of languages, with me only understanding English and a smattering of Spanish words? It all comes down to pride. Somebody told me that I would fail. Do you  want to know how to motivate me? Tell me I can’t do it, tell me I’m going to fall and people will laugh, challenge me that way and you can bet that I’m going to try all that much harder to prove you wrong.

However, my pride was not enough to keep the reservations away. Despite losing over a hundred pounds and beating a smoking addiction, I still looked in the mirror and saw the woman I used to be. I could feel the eyes of the crowd judging me, criticizing my ample chest, my thick thighs and the telltale rasp of the beginnings of emphysema. What was I doing here? I know they were asking the questions because I was asking the same thing. It wasn’t too late though, I could step away, feign a stomach bug or just admit that I shouldn’t be there.

I was nearly to that point when I heard the cry of the crowd as the other runner came in site, torch flickering in the late afternoon sun. My heart started racing as I took my position and waited, my hand outstretched waiting for the smooth metal of the torch I would carry into the night. Pounding footsteps came up behind me, the sound of heavy breathing and the slap of metal hitting my hand. My fingers curled around it and I started to run, and caught my toe on the hard dirt surface of the road. I did a whole lunging forward kind of motion, with the crushing knowledge that I wasn’t going to catch myself before slamming into the ground in front of hundreds of strangers. The stones that dug into my knees and elbows were sharp, my face burned in humiliation and I looked up to see I had somehow managed to keep the torch upright. A gasp had rippled through the crowd and all I could think was that I needed to disappear fast!

I jumped up and gave my cuts a cursory glance, the gasp turned to a cheer and I put one foot out and then another, determined to do this. As I faded into the darkness, running my shame into the ground as I allowed myself to laugh and a new sense of determination filled me

Always You

Always You

“..If there is anyone in attendance who has cause to believe that this couple should not be joined in marriage, you may speak now or forever hold your peace.”

I held my breath as I looked at Newton, remembering how sure I was someone, namely his freak of an ex-wife, would show up and start causing a scene. I offered him a smile and faltered as a commotion in the back reached my ears. I turned, heart thundering in my chest, certain I would see Charity there, tears streaming down her plump cheeks, her short hair bobbing up and down as she sobbed and declared her undying love for Newton in a voice that was like a fork being dragged across a porcelain plate.

 I gasped in disbelief as a familiar figure stood, his arms crossed over his chest in that annoying way that used to just piss me off. Eyes of muddy brown met mine, and he smirked. “Yep, I have a problem with it.”

“You’re supposed to be dead.” I heard myself say the words and realized how stupid they sounded.

“Melissa, honey, you ought to know by now you can’t get rid of me that easily.”

“Who is that?” Newton asked, his faced scowled in annoyance.

“Its Royce.” I muttered, “its Fucking Royce…”

“I thought he was dead.”

“Me too.” I wanted to hug Royce and punch him at the same time. I felt the tears stinging my eyes and I felt the anger bubbling up, “How dare you come here now? How dare you?”

 I lifted my dress and stomped down the aisle towards my dead husband, rage driving away the knowledge that everyone was staring at me. “Six years you’ve been gone, I waited for you, Royce, and I mourned for you! You have no right to come back now and shout out ‘surprise!’ like it was all some big joke!”

Royce met me at the aisle, his voice low and surprisingly gentle, “I know, baby, its okay. I just wanted to let you know I kept my promise.”

“What promise?!” I was choking on my own tears now. I had imagined Royce coming back all these years and I knew it was illogical because people didn’t just survive airplanes blowing up in the sky.

“I told you I would come back, Melissa.” He said softly, “Don’t you remember?”

I did remember. His promise was sometimes the only thing that had kept me going while I mourned his death and tried to find a reason to keep going. Hearing the words broke something in me. I collapsed in his arms, the fight draining from me as I held tight, breathing in his familiar scent. The ache that I had been carrying around with me for six years was more painful than ever and I just knew that at any moment I would waken and see that it was just another frightfully realistic dream.

“Melissa…” I jerked my attention back to Newton’s concerned face. He was watching me with confusion in his eyes of gray.

I realized I was still standing at the altar, our wedding guests all in the pews. Royce wasn’t there though. The minister was staring at me intently, “Madam?”

“I have cause to believe… this isn’t going to work.” I felt tears spill from my eyes as I looked upon Newton’s shocked expression, “I’m not ready, Newton, I’m so sorry…”

The Pickle Jar

The Pickle Jar

 It wasn’t about the broken pickle jar.  Although the rumor is that was what the fight was about.  It was a standard jar.  Millions of them being massed produced and stuck on supermarket shelves before finding their way into a shopping cart and into the refrigerator of one of a million different homes across the land.   It wasn’t special, it wasn’t rare and it most certainly held no sentimental value.   It was a jar of pickles.   There were only three pickles left in it , floating in a murky pool of salty dill juice, flanked by errant seeds that had escaped and would eventually sink to the bottom of the jar.     It had sat on the refrigerator shelf for two weeks, starting out so full it was a challenge to pry a single baby dill out of the tightly packed array of late night craving stardom.  As the supply dwindled, the jar was shoved to the side or pushed behind the ketchup and mayonnaise until someone would get the afternoon munchies or a case of the mid-day boredom.   It was nothing more than a jar of pickles, until the day it was accidently dropped on the kitchen floor, the edge of the glass hitting the plated aluminum foot of the table leg at just the right angle to send a fracture across the surface.  As pickle juice exploded across the linoleum and the three errant pickles bobbled in a bizarre twisting skid towards the cabinet, that pickle jar took on a whole new meaning.   

Jason was already angry about dinner not being ready when he got home from work.  Karla was angry that he felt she had to make sure dinner was ready for him when she also worked all day.  The fact is, they had been angry with one another for months and instead of talking about it, they had resorted to childish games of silent treatments and passive aggressive statements as a way of communication.   As those pickles slipped across the floor, everything they had not been saying was suddenly there at the surface and ready to be said. There was no way it was going to be a pretty scene.    It began with Jason yelling at Karla about being clumsy and Karla yelling back at him being a bully.   Voices began to rise in anger, the words became more and more vicious as accusations and hurtful comments were hurled back and forth like a heated tennis match.  A dish was broken accidentally at first, and then the feeling it brought was satisfying. More dishes were broken and then furniture was upended and the shattering of glass could clearly be heard by any passerby.   

Then as suddenly as it had begun, it just stopped.  Jason and Karla exhausted like two dogs who had fought with all their energy until there was nothing left and no winner to be had.   They looked at one another.  They looked at the chaos around them.  They looked at the red and blue lights of the police cruiser as it pulled up in front of their house ( because of course someone called that fight in ).   They reached for one another and decided that moment…   they were hungry for a pickle.